Garth Marenghi’s TerrorTome: Dreamweaver, Doomsage, Sunday Times bestseller

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His obvious and out of place rants on minor things that annoy him really do make you shake your head (like when he stops in the middle of a life-or-death scenario to lecture his partner on all the ways you can accidentally drain your car’s battery). There are far too many occurrences, unnerving events than I could list here so you were wrong to ask that.

She may well have whispered ‘I’ll miss you,’ once I’d gone, but as this is first-person narrative and therefore not omniscient, we just don’t know. It’s admittedly a bit long and at times the wackiness did get a little hard to keep track of, but it’s difficult to know how much of that is really just the joke. They’re horror cliches, but cliches work for a reason and in the hands of a good author these stories could work. Originally excised from the book and offensive to most readers' sensibilities, it is now boldly reintegrated into the main text of this pleather-bound edition. She may well have whispered, ‘I’ll miss you,’ once I’d gone, but I couldn’t hear that from where I was, and as this is first-person narration and therefore not omniscient, we just won’t know.

But at other times it goes too far in the other direction, letting Garth take control through a deeply uncomfortable and grotesque round of torture porn where he’s literally flayed alive in excruciating detail. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re the type of person who’s amused by bad writing or irrational stupidity this may be a good book for you.

So finally, it almost adds up,’ Nick said, racing against time to work out precisely what it almost added up to. Hand-signed by the Archduke of Darkdom himself, this collector's edition features an exclusive new short story, 'Throttle and Bribes'. A sound like a walking pile of twigs, or a loosened bag of discarded rubble that had somehow suddenly developed the ability to move.There are several non-Nick characters that he does as well, and while this too seems an area where we have to compromise with believability it’d be pretty tedious otherwise.

Unless it was that matter of ousting his wife and child from their family home via a team of bailiffs. These man-on-keyboard erotic encounters are purple and blue in equal measure; so too the saucy goings-on with Nick’s agent Roz (“she rode me like a butcher’s cutting machine”) in the final excerpt. Presumably then something happened to him inside the house, which stopped him coming out again alive, because he was never seen again. Twitter turned me onto Garth Marenghi's Darkplace just a matter of weeks before I saw this book announced.Even leaving the car door open while you’re outside is a killer, in all likelihood triggering the internal cabin lights without you realising.

Those wiper blades may or may not remain an issue and there’s plenty more car battery talk to sink your teeth into in the full book (but not literally, you’ll ruin the genuine foil embossed book cover). His kneejerk prejudices and cruelty are always a good source of laughs (like when he decides to stop paying alimony for his daughter so he can afford to spend more time creating “visionary” art). He wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for the Peruvian market, which subsequently aired on Channel 4 and has not been repeated due to its radical and polemic content. To be clear, that’s a rhetorical question and neither bears nor woods feature as key elements in the plot.Capello looked up at Nick, his face wet with flowing tears, which were now starting to flow even more fully, though not heavily enough to constitute a fully blown bawl. Can he and Roz, his frequently incorrect female editor, hunt down these incarnate denizens of Nick's rampaging imaginata before they destroy Stalkford, outer Stalkford and possibly slightly further? One marvels at Marenghi’s tangled sexual subconscious, which would confound the doughtiest shrink – assuming anyone could be found to take on the job. Photograph: Simon Webb/The Guardian View image in fullscreen His dark materials … Matthew Holness as Garth Marenghi. In brief, the story beats are so obvious you can hit the snooze alarm and just focus on his god-awful prose and incomprehensible logic.